To all the young dads out there
I’ve been having some identity issues for a few years now. One of them is the actual and absolutely real question whether or not I’m a good dad.
Oh yes, they say every dad asks themselves that question and I’m quite sure that’s true. That doesn’t make it wrong to try and compare myself to some other dads right?
Why? Because I was young when fatherhood hit me. I was allowed to join the (mostly) adult group of fathers at the age of 24. You might say that this doesn’t seem that old at all, however I am definitely young to be a dad.
Why?
First of all, the average age of fatherhood has been on the rise since, … well a long time. A study by Khandwala and colleagues has shown that the average age of the American dad was 27.4 years … in 1972! And it has only been going up ever since. The last measurement was taken in 2015. The average age of dads by that time has gone up to 30.7.
Read the full study here: http://urology.stanford.edu/content/dam/sm/urology/JJimages/publications/The-age-of-fathers-in-the-USA-is-rising-an-analysis-of-168-867-480-births-from-1972-to-2015.pdf
There’s more. Not only has the average age of fatherhood gone up, the average differs across educations level and race or ethnicity. I have a master’s degree which makes me comparable to the average age of a dad with a college degree. The age shoots up to 33.3 years on average. There’s even more. As it happens, I have a Chinese cultural background. Chinese dads are almost entirely at the top of the age chart when it comes to fatherhood, going all the way up to a whopping 34.7 years of age. I definitely feel as if I’m 10 years ahead of my age, which is not a good thing.
I’m writing this to self-indulge and to write-off my own emotional struggles to the world of the internet. Knowing that the story is out there, however unlikely to be picked up, puts my mind at ease for some reason I don’t want to think on right now. I simply want you (my very unlikely reader) to know that I feel WAY in front of most people and despite the sound of arrogance of “being in front”, what I really want to say is that I’ve been struggling with fatherhood. A lot.
To put this into perspective, I’m going to assume that you are an average dad, because, most dads are, by definition, average. This means that whenever you become/became a father, I want you to ask yourself what it would mean if you would have become a dad ten years before you actually did. Where were you at that age? What were you doing? Were you ready to become a dad? How would you have fared if for the past ten years you had to take care of a child.
Barely any of my peers have children, and the ones that do have just started doing so (I’m writing this at the age of 30, so 6 years after having my daughter). I guess I’m just looking for a reason to justify that — as a father- I have often felt lonely and still regularly do so.
The loneliness is bad, but worse is the intolerance to feel bad about it. You’re not allowed to feel bad about young fatherhood. When anyone even considered my age when becoming a father they said I was lucky being a young dad because “you’re still full of youthful energy to play with your children”. And “when you’re in your 40'ies, your children will be adults and you’ll have all the time in the world to catch up on the things you couldn’t do when you were younger.”
These simple, well intended, encouraging words, are like knives to my throat. I’m not a career junky but I would have liked to have à little time for it after going through university. Neither did having a kid do a lot of good for my relationship with my significant other and god forbid that I mention having our daughter to my significant other as being something that made our relationship more difficult. Feeling that having gotten a daughter made my life more difficult is something VERY different from regretting having a child. Though it’s not often seen that way. Expressing your difficulties is met with angry stares as if you just wouldn’t want your kid to exist. Let me be clear, there’s nothing more important to me than my daughter. It doesn’t mean it can’t be difficult. Oh and about those “childREN”? Having the one definitely didn’t help on making any others.
Another thing that made matters worse for me are the awkwardly flipped social expectations. I can’t feel bad about being a young father, because “think about the young mothers and not-so-young fathers”. “Mothers are close to being socially obligated to have kids and forget about anything like career perspectives.” And “older fathers don’t have the same energy and opportunities to be there for their children as much as you do”. Well thanks society. Don’t you young fathers dare struggle, because that’s unreasonable to the normal aged fathers and all the potential mothers out there. Think of their struggles. If you do struggle as a young dad, you’re just acting out. Ironically: “Grow up!”
So here’s to my future 45-year old self. I hope you’re enjoying whatever it is that you do because I would God damn hate it if you’re doing nothing with all the opportunities I am supposedly giving you.
